I am uniquely wonderful. I possess all of the qualities that you hope to find not just in a potential partner, but in anyone that you might have to spend anything longer than an elevator ride with. Your dreams are my dreams. Do you like spaghetti? Me too! Whoa! I am kind to old people (most of the time; you know how some of them are). My is adopted and I take every opportunity to remind him. My bread is free-range and gluten free. I don't mind gluten, but who knows who might drop by, right? The only foreign language I speak is Spanish, but I speak it like a native because I lived in Guatemala when I was in the Peace Corp to avoid the draft. I can carry a tune and was well regarded in the prison choir. My laugh lights up a room, but then dims it back down to save energy. My intellect is impressive without really being particularly intimidating. Cuz, y'know. Community college. I am rakishly handsome but in an affable Ted Bundy kind of way. I smell like sandalwood and longing. I know what happens next.

My Ideal Person Grace Kelly. If you're exactly like Grace Kelly we'll get on great. Or Sandra Bullock. You could be just like Sandra Bullock and that'd probably be very nice too, cuz she's got that whole cute-but-foxy thing happening, right? Oh, wait. Meg Ryan, but only young Meg Ryan, like "The Presidio" Meg Ryan, before she succumbed to the poisoning of the soul that makes people do that to themselves. Then again, she did date Cougs (John Cougar Melonball, for those of you who aren't as up on these things as I am), so a maybe on older Meg Ryan. We'll see. Or Ida Lupino. Honestly, I don't know anything about Ida Lupino, but it's just fun to say her name. And Anne Heche before she went gay.